way to go universe!


When I say that I am thankful it does not usually permeate into more than a brief feeling. It is a transitory act. A thing that I intone and think that for the moment I am very thankful for “x” and then life moves on in its ever-constant flow and rush. This is a real problem. It has been made readily apparent to me that the act of living in a state of gratitude for the manifold wonders and blessings that constitute my overly generous life would only serve to make me a happier person, and, in the act of living in gratitude, make those around me happier as well.

It has no downside.

The process of living in a constant state of gratitude is more than my simple bourgeois mind can handle. My mind recoils from this impossibly difficult task and resolves to remember to be appreciative of my overflowing basket of happiness’s on thanksgiving and then gets on with the living of a neo-modern American life. I see that this path is a gravely mistaken one, yet to be in gratitude is something abstract and only written and not yet lived. To “be” in a state of gratefulness from moment to moment is something that seems impossible.

A good Buddhist would be able to think these thoughts and make them so but alas I am no practicing Buddhist or at the very least not a good or even a shitty half assed mediocre one at that. I do however recognize all the things a person in my socio-economic realm should and must be grateful for, and these things do include residing well within the plush rich confines of the upper middle class American lazy happiness zone. 

My health, my family, my freedom... these things are seemingly inalienable, and have been given to me by some bizarre universal jackpot of which I had no part in obtaining through effort. Yet I am forever in debt to the spinning wheel that provided me with these various overly generous rewards. Then why is the idea of living in a state of gratitude such a paralyzing thing? How does it become such a staggeringly difficult wall to surmount?

To believe that all these magically derived gifts are not to be appreciated daily is the height of hubris. Yet here I am without the simple ability to bring it into the world. I have gratitude for my station in life and yet I feel a deep need; an itch of constant need that I have yet to scratch with my appreciativeness. Perhaps this is why I have put this particular writing off for so long. 

Being very busy is a good excuse for not delving into my lack of appreciation surrounding my wonderful life. I do though have my fair share of wonder. More than that I have spellbinding amazement at the universe and its many intersecting winding paths that snake through space-time. Daily I can find moments of strategic plan shattering awe at my bizarre route to this here and now at which I find myself very dazed and certainly confused.

Yet true gratitude is ever elusive, bound as I am in my neo-modernist nihilism. Trapped again by the much loved post-everything neo-modernism and divided from truly being in the world empirically grateful and happy. To actualize is to risk and therein lies the rub. Losing through commitment. Haven’t we been here before? I believe so. The only way out is through. What a pickle.

Once you have the post-post-modern reality you get into the risk of the neo-modernist crucially limited ability to commit to anything. Can one do such a thing without a wink and a giggle? Do things possess actuality? Can I believe in the ability of gratitude granting me release from wanting things to be better or different than they are? Does it matter? Things are as they should be and the universe is blind and indifferent to my needs. As a total prick I once knew used to say frequently “It is what it is.”

We all couldn’t stand that dude.